The Ten Things I Learned From Fibromyalgia/Burnout (Rules for Living): Number Four

BALANCE "DOING" AND "BEING"

In the Western world there is an enormous emphasis on doing: accomplishing, achieving, aspiring, and striving. We value goal setting and linear thinking, and we often judge ourselves and others by our achievements and accomplishments, by what we can do and what we have done. The problem with this way of thinking is that we come to believe that we are only as good as our latest accomplishment; we don’t realize that we have intrinsic worth. It’s fine to strive to reach our goals, but if the attainment of goals is our primary defining quality, we’ll be in trouble if we ever decide to take a break or to focus on helping others attain their own goals.

It’s not easy for some of us to realize that it’s OK to just be, that we have intrinsic worth just by virtue of being human, regardless of what we are able to do. You can sit on the couch and watch TV and eat chocolate all day, and still be a good person. In fact, many chocoholic TV addicts are happier, better people than a few super-accomplished over-achievers I've come across!

Some of us need help learning how to stop doing and start being. One way is to start meditating. Another is to reconnect with something you enjoyed doing as a child—but here you have to be careful. Don’t tell yourself that you’re going to start playing piano again with the aim of becoming a concert pianist! Try doing it just for fun, and more importantly, just for yourself, not to impress other people. Walking is another great way to just be. So is hanging out with friends. Developing daily rituals, spiritual or otherwise, can give us a break from the constant drive to do. The key is to slow down when possible (there are many excellent books on this topic, including In Praise of Slow by Carl Honoré). The added bonus is that not only do we learn to love and respect ourselves for who we are, but we also stop making unrealistic demands on the people around us. Children in particular are vulnerable to the pressure to accomplish, and can easily end up believing that they are loved only for what they can do and achieve, not just for being who they are (Eckhart Tolle discusses this in A New Earth).

Obviously we can’t all become monks and stop participating in modern life; but we can all balance the non-stop demand to constantly do with daily periods where we’re happy to just be who we are and trust that people will love and respect us for nothing more than that.